It’s Time

I have struggled with how to share my truth, but I made a decision today to do it.

This is Me

I’m 40. I have a well established career where I am respected and well known in my industry as an Event Organizer. I got certified to teach yoga and have been for the past 6 years. I started my own business nearly two years ago. I have two senior dogs. I am an aunt. I am a sister. I am a daughter. I am a friend, actually, I am a good friend. I am a listener. I am single. I am adventurous.

This is Me on the inside looking out.

I’m over the hill. I worry I am complacent and haven’t done enough to get my name out there or to move up. My industry I represent is in a tough place, and I worry. I am sometimes ashamed I don’t teach more, afraid I don’t do enough for the students I do teach, and I fear that maybe I am losing my drive to be and do more as a teacher. I am 100% self funded and therefore I don’t take enough risks. Because I work full time and teach yoga, and exercise so much, I don’t put enough time into the success of my business. I fear those are excuse crutches I lean on for fear of failing or ironically, too much success. I fear the day my dogs leave me alone and what I will turn into when that happens. I want to be a good example for my nieces and nephew but am afraid of the day that I’m not cool enough for them anymore or that they’ll figure out I wasn’t that cool in the first place. I do a lot to make my sister’s, parents and friends proud of me and fear disappointing them. I sometimes wonder if I use them all as a crutch I lean on to not pursue something else, anything else or go somewhere else. I sometimes love having the indepedence but at the end of the day…I’m looking for him, I’ve looked under rocks and layers of baggage and sifted through addiction and I keep looking because…sometimes Sunday’s suck alone and sometimes so do Tuesdays and sometimes lots of days. My adventures have taken a back seat to everything and everyone else and all of this. Trying to do it all, find the one, be of service…I lost myself in this adventure and I’m tired.

The reality

I just am. I try. I fail. I give up. I push too hard. I have fear. I am complacent. I am curious. I don’t need but I want more. I am comfortable and yet need discomfort. I don’t want to settle, but I sometimes try to hard to do just that. Am I enough? Will I be enough? Is it all enough? Do you?